I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize