onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
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nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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