We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
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i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
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Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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