I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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