so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i've created a new STD.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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