im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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