All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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