Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
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They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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