that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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