Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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