He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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