Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
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Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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