and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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