she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize