u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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