my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
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Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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