there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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