I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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