My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize