I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize