You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize