I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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