Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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