OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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