I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
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Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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