I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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