Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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