either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We named our party play list daddy issues
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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