how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
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He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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