I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
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I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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