Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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