I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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