Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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