I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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