my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
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Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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