I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
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If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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