I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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