I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
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What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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