Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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