How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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