If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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