we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
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She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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