Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
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I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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