theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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