i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How does one acquire holy water?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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