He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
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It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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