Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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