Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's always time for handjobs
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
