Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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