Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's paint friendship bongs
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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